You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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