I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
