Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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