Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize