So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
