If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
