gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
