there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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