I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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