Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
