My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
