and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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