Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
