Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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