He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
