i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
