Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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