It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize