How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize