Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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