So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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