Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
