Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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