my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
