What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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