dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
