So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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