When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
