I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
