we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
