When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
