Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
