I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
do herpes really smell.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
