I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
