Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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