Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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