Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
