I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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