he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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