My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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