I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
