I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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