did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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