I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
