Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
When did angry sex become our thing?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize