I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
