Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize