dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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