got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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