its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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