So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
