I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
