i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
