the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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