The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
