I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
