jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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