so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
