apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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